St Johns

St Johns. Mint City. When the wind hits just right, in the late summer, you can smell the mint from the highway when passing through. Home of Uncle Johns Cider Mill and Andy T’s sweet corn. And the main thoroughfare to Indiana, 127/27, passes through. The reason why I have known this town all my life. Passing through.

As a child we lived in Midland, Mi, and our extended family lived in Indiana. We traversed through St Johns during the summer and holidays to go visit our extended family – grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We dreaded the backroads which seemed to take forever until we finally got to 127 (Maybe Meridian Rd needs its own blog, too lol). When we finally got to 127, it was exciting to finally get on the 4 lane highway moving faster toward our destination. Of course there were always small local destinations like the North Star Golf Course or the St Johns Horse Auction on the way that marked how much closer we were to our destination. But the biggest one was St Johns. That is what we considered halfway.

At that time, the main highway went through the middle of the town. I couldn’t even imagine what it was like to live in St Johns at that time. Every Memorial Day, Fourth of July, and Labor Day weekend was a mass exodus to the great Up North. Bumper to bumper traffic to enjoy the gems Northern Michigan has to offer. There were the old familiar local businesses we saw every time we went through. The Wheel Inn a major one. We would usually run through the drive thru at McDonalds for lunch.

But times change. This was the pattern for us about 10 years and then life happens. You move to South Carolina, then move back up again, and you get married, they build a bypass going around St Johns to ease up traffic through town, and over time slowly but surely the scenery starts to change. Old truck stops start going out of business, first The Hitching Post and then the one you never could imagine ever closing since it was a part of St Johns identity, The Wheel Inn, finally closes, too. Life is full of changes and sometimes sad ones with major life impacts. The only reminder of St Johns as a once drive through highway city is the wide road that runs through town with the crazy huge turn lanes.

As a child with your whole life before you, the canvas of your future not even beginning to be drawn out yet. It can be quite amazing when a childhood destination that you barely gave a second thought to becomes your home. When my husband received his nursing degree, he started a job in Owosso, and I was working in Ithaca at the time so we ended up moving to you guessed it, St Johns, the perfect halfway point for our jobs.

I was pretty geeked about the whole thing. How could I have ever guessed as a child constantly driving through this town every summer, I would end up living here? The notion was pretty exciting for me. Wow what a connection!

So many good memories here. My parents were in Indiana again after the bypass was built. We didn’t stop a ton in St Johns on the way to Indiana anymore, but on occasion we would stop for lunch. The one time we stopped off to eat at the Pizza Hut on the way bringing my mom back to Michigan to visit. The other time we stopped off to meet halfway at the local Big Boys to meet halfway so my parents could see my son and went to the city park to play. What a delightful unforgettable fall day that was.

When we did move here, I would drive between St Johns and DeWitt trying to see what places I could remember from our trips to Indiana. The sign pointing to Sleepy Hollow State Park, the Looking Glass river, the now closed down HIghland Hills golf course, Howe’s greenhouse, the intersections in DeWitt that takes you to I-69 with the now defunct outlet mall on the corner, and just a bunch of old white farmhouses.

Even though you think you have life all figured out in your forties, there is still more blank canvas than you think. You look at the familiarity of this town as a good sign, a grand omen. How could this connected town let you down? I mean you must be connected for a reason. But, alas, no life has a way of bringing you to reality and pummeling you.

How could I have ever seen that this was the place that my marriage was going to end??

Twenty-six years and two days to be exact. The place where my memories were of exciting times of traveling, starting a new life were now stained with grief. That’s the thing, you hope for the best, but sometimes the worst still happens to you in the places you least expect it to.

127 the highway that took me to exciting, fun places doesn’t have the same sentiment for everyone. There’s that guy who drives up North every major summer holiday and hates being stuck in traffic. He associates this area with frustration and a headache. There is the mother who lost her son in a tragic accident that puts crosses on the side of the road. The St Johns emergency crew has tons of experience with tragic car accidents. Many happen every year. Up by Ithaca, the road, Bagley Rd, that we turned on to get to the highway when I was a kid was closed down due to a very tragic accident. A whole road shut off permanently.

And then there’s me, no matter what I do or where I go St Johns will aways be the place where my marriage ended. That’s life though. So unpredictable with its ups and downs. Just as the town of St Johns has seen its share of struggles, it always seems to rise above and has a way of reinventing itself. When I first moved here the downtown area was like a ghost town. There was music playing eerily as there was no one downtown to enjoy it. But in the last few years I have lived here, life is being pumped back into the downtown area. New businesses have been coming in and there is definitely more activity going on. There is also more industry as three years ago a major cheese factory moved in. Also, the housing market is booming. There is a housing shortage currently especially pertaining to rentals.

And just like the town, I will move on to bigger and better things, too. My life will get full again. There will be new people that come into my life and help make it better. But most importantly I’m always working on and investing in myself. I have come a long way and I am becoming proud of the person I’m becoming. I never thought I would get there, but I really am there. I just still have to convince myself that I have arrived. That’s really it.

And I guess out of all the towns out there, I appreciate the connection I have with St Johns. I don’t fully understand why exactly we are connected. It could’ve easily been DeWitt, Marshall, or even Coldwater. Those have been halfway points and significant destinations, too. I could’ve moved to Ovid, Elsie, or Ashley. But it’s always been St Johns.

Tempers: Cry Me A River

Crying and tempers are both an emotional response. And out of those emotional responses doesn’t one seem more acceptable than the other? Ever since we were born, we are told in a variety of ways, that we are not supposed to cry. From to “just shake it off” to “if you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you a reason to cry”, why is crying such a bad thing?

So here is my confession, I cry very easily. I hate that fact. I would give anything to change this about myself. I believe it was hereditary for me. I never had a chance. My Grandma was a crier, and my Dad, yes my Dad, was a crier, also. And apparently it has been passed down to me. I learned at an early age, that I was a crier. When we first moved to Midland, MI, my hometown, we went to visit our new neighbors, a couple who had two boys, Rodney and Louie, who were a bit older than me. So as my mom talked to their mom, they invited me into their bedroom to show me around. I was 4 years old at the time and didn’t think much of it. So I went to their room, and they start showing me their toys. Then all of a sudden, Rodney, the older brother had Louie close the door so I couldn’t get out, and the Rodney started chasing me around the room. I believe he was trying to kiss me. I screamed as loud as I could. I was scared. And luckily, the adults heard my screams and rescued me.

That was also the first time I realized when I stood up to someone when I got angry, I cried. I did try to stand up to them, but my voice would crack with emotion instead of getting angry. This embarrassed me. Sometimes I wonder if this contributed to my shyness since I felt I couldn’t control my emotions. My takeaway from that situation was not that I was some sort of victim, but rather I was embarrassed that I couldn’t keep my emotions in check. So, I wanted to keep to myself and felt I couldn’t stand up to people or I may cry which may be why I felt the need to avoid people.

So the majority of my life, I have done everything not to cry which is mission impossible. When I get emotional, I honestly cannot control my emotions. If I experience extreme joy, sadness, anger, emotion of any kind, I will tear up. I have noticed even loud noises can do this as well. I go to a Memorial Day Parade, and I see the soldiers and my eyes just water. I think I even emotionally sabotage myself. Sometimes I can feel it rising in me, the need to cry, and I will mentally be thinking, “Whatever you do don’t do this. Stop. Stop it!!” Then it comes out, and it is soooo embarrassing. Then I cry even more because I have embarrassed myself or am angry at myself for not having the ability to keep it together. It’s like I don’t have the ability to stuff this emotion. It has nowhere to go, but out.

My therapists ask me why I am so ashamed of crying. And I always say because it’s wrong. You know… just because. They always smile and tell me that there is nothing wrong with crying, but it’s like I refuse to believe it. There is a stigma, and honestly we all know it really exists. If you cry, you are a baby. If you cry, you may be seen as manipulative. If you cry, you are not strong. It is not the mature response.

And as I am facing this stigma head-on, trying to improve myself, trying to get myself to budge on accepting my inner weakass bitchness, I came to the realization that tempers are an emotional response, too. Why is it I have to control my emotions when it comes to crying, but most people with tempers don’t? One of the main reasons I cry is due to people losing their temper with me. I feel guilty. I feel I have let them down. But why do they get away with their lack of maturity by exploding and turning 5 shades of red, while I’m the immature one bawling my eyes out.

I came to this realization at work. I have never worked with so many people who have tempers. My last job had pretty chill people, but the job I have now, it’s almost like having a temper is a requirement to work there. In the beginning, we had a trainer who consistently lost his temper. We were trying to learn the process, and he would lose his patience with us, blowing up over the stupidest things. I tried to avoid him as I had seen him lose his temper with other people, but my day arrived. Basically, he berated me, and that emotional self-sabotage of mine started welling. I begged my emotional response to stop, but it was of no use. Here came the tears like a storm I couldn’t stop. I never ugly cried in front of him, but my voice cracked, and I had tears streaming down. (I did ugly cry to my friend later) He had lost his temper with me. He stormed off, and I’m sure he told everyone that I wasn’t going to make it. He finally told me eventually that I wasn’t going to make it. But even though I was emotional I did finish the job. It was never about my ability to do the job; it was about not doing it the way he wanted. He lost his temper over me not being fast enough and not figuring out things I had never learned due to his poor training ability. He also banned me from my friend since he thought we were distracting each other which was the farthest thing from the truth. We actually were supporting and helping each other to learn. That morning I was supporting her as she changed a silo over for CIP just like he wanted. I was on edge the whole time after that just trying to keep him happy. So why was my response undesirable and his ok. They were both emotional responses that could have been better controlled. I guess neither response was “professional”, but why was I the one to get punished and made a fool of?

As I mentioned before, tempers trigger my anxiety. My dad had a temper. He had a very short fuse especially with me. I could never do anything right in his eyes. Of course, when he lost his temper I would cry, and this would make him even more upset since crying is apparently the worst of the two emotional responses. Crying has to be the worst, right? Especially since no one called my dad out on his behavior. Apparently, he wasn’t seen as the weak one.

Crying does make people uncomfortable. It does make for an awkward situation when you see someone crying. You kind of feel useless because you don’t know what to do. But why does crying make the tempers come out in some? Why is it seen as a weakness rather than a strength? Why is it my trainer and my dad had such a hard time dealing with my emotions so much that it made them even more angry? Were they projecting their emotions onto me since they may not know how to be sensitive and vulnerable? Why can’t they see that losing their temper is an emotional response just like crying, and that their reaction isn’t any better? Honestly, in my opinion it’s worse. But also no one is perfect, and when we are dealing with either emotional response, we must remember this.

So basically, I said all this to say it’s time to not be so hard on criers, and we need to call out the tempers a little more. They are very similar responses just carried out in different ways. When something goes wrong, you can either lose your cool or cry about it. What is the difference really? I guess just the way you carry out your emotions.

Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls…Or People

Have you ever been in a relationship where it was completely one sided? Where it seems you are the only person making the effort to keep the relationship intact? Isn’t it frustrating? Well, I’m here to tell you, let that person go.

This may have been my first nugget of wisdom I collected from life. When I was younger, these seemed to be the type of relationships I was always in. I had a best friend in elementary school who decided to move on in middle school to bigger and better people. When I look back, I can understand why. I was very shy and introverted and had a hard time connecting with her friends. She did try to include me at first, but it just didn’t work out. This was probably my first real heartbreak. We would always talk about the future, and how we were going to attend college together and be roommates. She became popular, and I just stayed a quiet geek with no friends.

Over the years, I would try to stay in contact with her. Sometimes she would respond and sometimes she wouldn’t, but it was usually always me making the effort. Then one day I came to the realization that it wasn’t worth it anymore. And I let her go, which was a big relief to be able to move on. We crossed paths a few times, but nothing ever really came of it. The last time I heard from her it was an email, and I couldn’t believe it, but as I read further down, she just wanted money for a mission trip, so I didn’t respond. I was very proud of myself for not giving in to the temptation to respond.

Why would you want someone in your life that doesn’t seem to want you back? Why work so hard at a relationship? Have some self respect, man!! No one is worth that much work. If they really care and love you, they will make the effort.

I felt bad for my husband when he first became a Christian. His old friends didn’t seem to care for his new lifestyle. He still wanted a connection with them, but they would always push him away. I would tell him that he needed to distance himself from them just like I did my friend. The hurt isn’t worth it. Let them go. He eventually did, and his efforts were rewarded. It’s been years, but some old friends have come back and actually want to be a part of his life. Leave them longing, right?

I have had other one-sided relationships, but now I don’t work at them like I used to. One person told me that they were just going to focus on their family, and that they weren’t going to make the effort to reach out to others anymore. Basically, if someone wanted to be a part of their life that person was going to have to make the effort. I was like see ya. No! Relationships are a two-way street. It’s not just one person making all the effort. When it becomes a one way, then it’s time to bail. And this person used to be someone I looked up to and adored, but I came to the realization that they never really felt that way back about me. I was making all the effort before they made this proclamation. I would go to their house spend hours there, and then when they would come to mine, which they rarely did, it would be for a few minutes. I am hoping they will someday realize how much they actually need me and miss me, but for now I will gift them with my absence.

It doesn’t mean you have to become bitter, and if the person starts coming back into your life greet them with open arms. But the moral of the story is don’t make all the effort. I mean what message are they sending when they don’t appreciate your time and effort? If they truly don’t appreciate you, then it’s time to take a step back. Just like the old saying goes…….

And the below is a good reminder:

If Karma Was A Job

Ever since I started my job back in 2020, everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong. I keep wondering if its Karma. I know I’m not a perfect person and have gossiped, made bad choices, and stuck my foot in my mouth, but with what’s happening at my current job, you’d think Karma had gotten a hold of me and was punishing me for all the terrible things I have ever done.

At my last job, I grew quite a bit socially. I gained much wisdom and maturity, too. I was proud of the progress I had made with my life. When I was a child, I barely talked to anyone. I was super shy and didn’t have any friends. I got bullied since I didn’t stand up for myself. So I have come a long way. I am still pretty reserved, awkward, and introverted, but I can make conversation and have a great group of friends that I made from my last job. So when I started my current job, I felt nothing could stop me. I was going to use all the lessons I had learned from my last job and apply them at this new job. It has not worked out quite the way I had planned.

You know how life, or karma, or luck goes, when you think you have it all figured out, that’s when the proverbial rug is pulled out from under you leaving you flat on your face. But couldn’t I at least get a break? Since I’ve started my job, I’ve had trouble connecting with people, made tons of mistakes, my anxiety has run rampant, and just plain obsess over basically everything everyday.

Maybe this is my next chapter of learning in life’s book or maybe it’s just because this new decade is cursed. Maybe life is teaching me how to deal with difficult people and how to handle my triggers. But why does it have to be such hard work? Why can’t I just have a moment where things go smooth for a while (like a few years not just a couple of months)?

Since I started this job, I’ve been criticized harshly multiple times, been unintentionally unsafe, talked over, walked over, thrown under the bus, sent to HR, blindsided, stabbed in the back, intentionally ignored, emotionally self-sabotaged myself, made every mistake in the book, but every time I get pushed over, I just get right back up and keep moving on, even though it’s getting harder and harder each and every time.

The last time I was treated poorly by someone a switch flipped in me. Ever since the beginning, I would use all the negative moments as motivation to prove to everyone who doubted me I could do it and not give up. But this was the first time I felt like giving up. Quitting. Is this job really worth it? I entertained the idea of finding another job. But I didn’t want to start all over again. I’m stuck. I have bills to pay and a family I need to help support. My attitude has suffered, but I dusted myself off and got back up, again. Take that Karma!

I was going to end it there, but doesn’t a story need a happy ending? Even though it seems the negative outweighs the positive at times, I have met a few amazing people. People who make me laugh and put a smile on my face. People who have been supportive even though I have yet to find someone to confide in or talk shit about other people with. (I know Karma I know)

I am proud of all of my accomplishments. I have really pushed myself and learned a great amount. I’ve gotten a few promotions. I’ve found out how strong of a person I really am. I have been successfully using boundaries with those negative people. I also found a great therapist to help me deal with my triggers and unresolved issues. And hopefully she will help me to learn how to get validation from myself rather than from other people so then I won’t need someone to talk shit about people with after all.

Tax the 1% – It’s a Trap

The government and its corrupt politicians are trying so hard to divide people: black vs white, vaccinated vs unvaccinated, young vs old, and of course poor vs rich. And honestly these are all traps. The politicians in an effort to get more control over the people are creating situations to tear us apart. The powers that be are the ones who are pushing segregation.

The tax the 1% plan is just another attempt to tear people apart and gain more control. I hear the poor always complaining about the rich. I hear them say how the trickle down effect is stupid. How the rich business owners need to pay their employees more. And the biggest complaint of all – the rich need to be taxed more.

Okay well lets say we tax the 1% 99%. Would it be a glorious day in America? No. In all honesty more than likely nothing would change for the rich. First of all, lets not get ahead of ourselves here. Back it up a bit. First off, doesn’t it seem kind of sketchy that the Democrats who used to be the party of the blue collared working man are now an elitist group? I mean look at the Democrats. Who are the Democrats lately? You have AOC with her $60 Tax the Rich sweatshirts and her Tax the Rich dress at the $30,000 a ticket Met Gala which is for charity. Oh what is the charity raising money for – homelessness, an end to hunger, to get rid of cancer, no for costumes for the Met. Wow, what a life changing charity. What would we do without these valuable costumes? Then we have Bernie Sanders who talks about Democratic Socialism in which everyone will be equal under socialism. Well is Bernie going to give up his millions and houses to be equal with us??? I highly doubt it. He wants all the power and riches while we stay pleebs. Because in the end in a Socialist society, the rulers are the rich while everyone else gets to be common and equal and wear gray.

Also, who does the 1% support? You better take a second look if you say Republicans. Yeah but aren’t the Republicans the party of the rich? Not anymore. No the 1% supports the Democrats. Bill Gates, Bezos, even Donald Trump at one time was a Democrat. Republicans tend to get the support from owners of small to moderate sized businesses not the multi-billionaires who actually used the Republicans pro private business legislature to promote and build their greedy empires. It really backfired on the Republicans especially the ones who thought they were just supporting Capitalism.

So why would these Billionaires support the party or politicians that want to tax them 99%? Because they know that it isn’t going to happen. I mean it is going to happen, but the billionaires won’t be the ones getting taxed. They have billions of dollars! Do you really think they are just going to get taxed with everything at their disposal. Of course not! They are going to move their money. They will move themselves. Which house will they move to? The townhouse in Paris with the view of the Eiffle tower or their mansion in Rio on the ocean. The Billionaires and multi-millionaires will move their money in a blink of an eye.

Of course other countries will want their money so they will welcome them with open arms and lower tax rates.

So now the day has come, and AOC’s tax the 1% bill gets passed and of course with it comes legislature on how to spend this money. We have to invest this money in something like Utopia for all citizens. But then the dirty rich flee, Elon Musk goes back to South Africa, and how are we going to implement this legislature now? Oh sorry Middle Class and the Poor, if we want a Socialist Utopia you are going to have to flip the bill now. Oh and by the way, we own you now. And watch as AOC and her squad and her evil politician friends on both sides get richer as we get poorer. Because don’t forget, on the way out those super rich people also paid off our lovely politicians. Welcome to your future. You just voted and supported your way into a trap.

Tell Your Story

I just got done reading the amazing autobiography of Yeonmi Park. She holds nothing back and talks about her escape from North Korea to South Korea. And even though at times it was hard to read due to the horrific experiences she went through, it inspired me. It made me realize no matter who you upset or how hard it is, tell your story, and when you do, you will be surprised how freeing it is. Telling your story is not selfish. It is actually the most selfless thing you could do for yourself and others. Because in telling your story, you are freeing others with their own similar stories. They find out they are not alone, and that in itself is empowering for them.

My husband has been telling his story. And he has has received judgment and anger from some close to him, but when you face your story and bring it to light the freedom that comes from it is like nothing else. You will be surprised on how understanding and accepting not all but most people are when you open up.

And my Christian friends it is Biblical: “3All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 5For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. 6Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. 7We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.” 2 Corinthians. Basically, when we go through trials in this life, we can be there for others who are going through the same thing. Tell Your Story!

If you want to tell your story, but are scared and need someone to tell it to, I am always here to listen with no judgment and 100% confidentiality.

Christians are the worst

As I look back on my 44 years of life, I have come to realize Christians are the worst. I honestly get along better with people who are not super religious over those who are. And when I come across a person who says they are a Christian, there is never an instant connection that I always hope to this day there will be. For the most part, I hardly ever get along with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Why is that?

Well, my first experience with Christian people was definitely not the best. I went to a Lutheran school where I had a hard time making friends and got bullied since I was so shy and never stood up for myself. For some reason, I was scared of getting in trouble so I just stuck to myself and never said anything. I had a few attempts at making friends, but they would never pan out. Sometimes I think I would have been better off going to public school.

When I became an adult, I always thought I would find that special Christian friend that I would be able to share my deep thoughts of faith with or find a mentor that would inspire and challenge me. I have yet to find this person.

These days it’s not so easy to find people who actually go to church anymore, so when I do find these rarities, I usually deep down get pretty excited. Maybe this is the one! Maybe I will find that brother or sister in the Lord who will share the same frustrations as me in finding a fellow person of strong faith.

Then when I do find these people, they are usually the least likely ones for me to get along with. Sometimes they act better than thou. These types you find everywhere at work, at church, or pretty much anywhere. You quite don’t have the faith they have. You are the weaker species. You cohort with people of the world and don’t stick to the clique-y Christian crowd. The super judgmental. And these are the ones who also are usually the gossips. The “hey lets look at their sin, but not ours” sorts.

Then you have those who do go to church, but they act like its a bad rash they’re trying to get rid of. “Yes, I’m a Christian, but geez don’t tell anybody I go to church cause I might lose my street cred. Okay, I’m going back to my cool non-Christian friends now.”

It’s so frustrating since it’s so lonely in the world as a Christian anymore. We are getting fewer and far in-between. And then the few I do know, I’d rather not know. So many just give Christians a bad name and makes me see why non Christian people can’t stand Christians.

Christians, is it really that hard to just stand up for what you believe in? Or to have a little integrity? Yes, you have the Christians who talk the talk, but do not walk the walk, and you can’t understand how they can’t see it because its so obvious especially when the non Christians are asking you, “Is that really a Christian? I may not know much about it, but it definitely shouldn’t act like that.” And you’re like yeah, that is definitely a walking disaster.

Then you have the one issue Christians, who are only Christians when it comes to that one issue (insert here). Most of these are the Revelations Christians who are obsessed with the end of the world. Some are more focused on a certain “sin” like homosexuality. These are the ones who are the one “verse” Christians who like to spout over and over to you a certain verse like 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 to prove homosexuality is a “sin”, but yet practice all the other “sins” in that verse adulterers, drunkards, reviler, thieves, or the greedy. I actually knew a guy that posted on FB a meme that said that all homosexuals are going to hell, but yet he was sexting and flirting with women all the time, and he is a married man! God, help us!

So no, in my 44 yrs I have not found that perfect Christian friend. But maybe it’s because not such a thing exists. No one is perfect not even Christians. Everyone has their issues. Someone reading this post is probably thinking I’m judgmental for naming off all these struggling non perfect types of Christians. I can definitely see why many people are turned off by Christianity. We are far from perfect and can really offend others. I can see why many have left churches and have left the faith if they are focused on imperfect men and women. But that’s the thing, we are not supposed to be focused on these people. We are to be focused on Christ! He is the perfect one. He is the one who won’t let us down. He may not give us what we want, but He gives us what we need. We rely on him for salvation. We can’t achieve this from our fellow Christians or even by being a good person.

Christians will let you down, and if you look to them your faith will falter. But the church wasn’t built on man, but Christ alone. If you keep your focus on Christ, that will give you the strength to carry on through this imperfect religion.

Chris Part II

So now over 20 years later, as I look back, it definitely hasn’t been perfect for no marriage is.  I always hear people saying, “Well the honeymoon was over after……”  I never wanted it to be over.  That was my goal to make my marriage work and be happy.  And I think our happiness and love lasted for a long time.   We still are going good, but it is different now.  We’ve definitely have been through some challenges and made it through the other side even though we may have come out a bit broken and bruised or scarred.  I remember us telling each other how we love each other alittle more everyday.  Well, I’m sure we have days now where we love each other a little less everyday.  The “in love” feeling is gone, but that is never what keeps a marriage going.  It’s work, commitment, patience, kindness, communication, and being married to your best friend helps.  Being best friends is what I really contribute to making our marriage work cause when the fireworks fade, that is what is left.

I have been realizing more than ever how much we are alike.  When we first were married, I thought he was the strong one, and I was the weak one.   But honestly, we are exactly the same.  I thought he was more extroverted, but he is honestly about as introverted as I am.  These days I’m more the extroverted one.  I thought I was the one that had a hard time working because I had a hard time connecting with people, but he is almost as bad as me which was why he had a hard time staying at one job for too long.   I was always hoping that he would support me.  That one day I would be able to take a break from the work world, but I don’t think that time will ever come.

And honestly, I’m glad that day never came because it made me a more self reliant person.  I had to go through hard times.  I didn’t have things handed to me.  I came out a survivor.   I lived in shitholes.  I drove cars where the brakes gave out or the gas pedal would stick.  I didn’t always have nice things.  And for all these things, I am thankful.  And there were times, Chris wasn’t there for me, and I was alone.  I had to become strong and fend for myself.  Even though those times were hard, they made me a better person.

But in the end, me and Chris have honored our vows: for better or for worse, through sickness and in health.   We’ve been there for each other even though we may have let each other down a few times, but no marriage is perfect.  We know each others deepest darkest secrets.  We have been through a lot together.  And there is nobody, I would rather go through those things with.   Not some perfect guy who thinks he’s God’s gift to women and will play the field behind my back, but a guy who is introverted, broken, and loyal just like me.

Lifestyles of the Mentally Ill

So when I write these blogs, I do a lot of self reflection. I think the blogs I write on mental illness are therapeutic, things start dawning on me. It comes together like a + b = c, and then here comes the spiral of depression. So yes, I’m back in therapy. I get really down on myself because I feel like because of my anxiety and OCD I let people down basically. And that’s pretty much what I’m going to write about today – the poor people who had to deal with my mental illness. Sadly mental illness doesn’t just affect you, it affects those around you, too.

So lately I have been doing a favor for those who have had to deal with my mental illness from my past. I have been setting them free. Especially those that I feel don’t get it or have suffered from my mental illness.

In my early adult years, I guess I was a bit clingy. I didn’t have many friends, and I would try to find a way to stay friends with my old friends even though a lot of time it wasn’t a two way street. I was always putting forth the effort to keep them in my life when I should’ve been letting them go.

My childhood friend was the closest friend I ever had and that was one of the hardest breakups for me. She started pushing me away as we got closer to our high school years which does tend to happen to a lot of people. She was pretty much the only friend I had, and I couldn’t lose her so I tried hold onto our friendship instead of just letting her go. I was upset with her. How dare she be so cruel!! But now that I look back, I understand, and don’t blame her. She had tried to include me with her new friends, but I was too weird, too quiet. Why would she want to give up on these cool normal people and just hang with me? I should of let her go a long time ago. I did learn from this that friendship is a two way street. If the other person isn’t participating, then cut ’em loose.

The people that got it the worst though was my family. My poor mom having to deal with my “psycho” on a daily basis. My OCD continuously asking her questions until it felt exactly right and the types of questions. How did she put up with me? I know a mother’s love, but still… Then my sister got to see it all play out, and she got some of the brunt, too. She had me live with her my senior year. I should’ve never done that. That was a huge mistake.

If I had to do it all over again, I would’ve stayed in South Carolina, and attended University of South Carolina – Aiken, and just stayed away from my family. Gave them the break they deserved.

My sister, I tried to cling onto her, too. I always looked up to her and wanted to be like her. I always wanted to be close, but why would she want a sister like me? She deserved better. She deserved a sister like herself. Why would you want a sister who has OCD, anxiety, social anxiety, and who is just all around awkward? Actually, my friend would’ve been a good sister to her. That is the kind of sister she deserved. My sister was perfect and I was the black sheep.

I should’ve set her free a long time ago, too. But I always tried to cling to her. I was the one always trying to call her, always trying to reach out to her. She never really reached out to me. She was busy with her life, and her family. She kept me at arm’s length and told me it was too far to come visit me. I always went to her house to hang out and see my nieces. Again, it was feeling like a one way street.

So now I have finally given her her space. If she wants to be a part of my life I will always be here, but I’m not going to be the one who always makes the effort. I’m done with that.

Then there is Chris. He accepts me flaws and all. He meant our vows on our wedding day. For better or for worse. We are both pretty messed up so maybe that’s the reason why we found each other. I think my parents thought I would find some well off Christian man who would take care of me. But honestly, I don’t think there are too many men out there that would want a woman like me. Maybe Chris wasn’t who they had in mind, but he was what I needed. I became strong and learned to take care of myself. That is what I really needed. I can tell Chris the most off the wall stuff, and he can take it. I’m glad I have someone for the long haul. And I definitely can’t judge him for any flaws especially since he has to deal with mine.

Isn’t it weird how sometimes you are closer to your friends than you are your family? How your friends get you, but you family doesn’t? Well like they say you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.

Chris

When I met Chris, I was attending Delta College.  I was going through some hard times dealing with my OCD.  I never do well with change, and moving from Indiana to Michigan made my OCD and anxiety worse.   My mom and sister were sick of my OCD, too.  My mom got the brunt of it because I would always bug her by getting reassurance from her that nothing bad was going to happen.  Back then, I had thoughts about hurting people.  Of course, I would never hurt anyone, but I didn’t understand why these thoughts were occurring.  I felt they made me a bad person, and that I might hurt someone someday.  I felt the need to protect people from myself.   My mom gave me money to go to therapy.  My sister wanted me to attend CMU the following year so I would hopefully make some friends, thinking that would get my mind off of my thoughts.  I went to one therapy session, but never went back because I had a bad experience with a Psychiatrist in the past.  I never did attend CMU either.

My first semester at Delta, I had Speech, English, Algebra, and Geography.  (I’m surprised I remembered that).  I was optimistic about college because I was really hoping to make some new friends, but Delta College really isn’t that sort of college. It is a community college so there is no real opportunity to bond with your classmates.  They just come to class and go home.  So it wasn’t really working out the way I imagined.

On my first day of English class, I got there early.  It was me and one other person in the room.  Then this guy comes in and sits right behind me.  I’m sitting there thinking, out of all the empty desks in the classroom why is this dude sitting right behind me.  Oh well.  Weird.  This is my first recollection of Chris.

I found out later that he was a newly born-again Christian.  He had such strong faith, and people in the class instead of hating on his faith actually loved him for it.  He was very popular in that class.  I admired his boldness, and how well he articulated his thoughts and beliefs.  I thought he would make an ideal friend.

I had a work study at Delta.  On my lunch break, I saw him sitting alone at a table studying.  Do I dare introduce myself?  I almost chickened out, but I felt I needed to seize this opportunity.  So I went up to his table all nervous and told him I was a Christian and admired his faith.  I went to walk away to get my lunch, and he invited me to eat lunch with him which I did.

While we were talking, he told me he was looking for a wife!  I couldn’t believe he just told me this!  Honestly, I wasn’t attracted to him at first.  I didn’t even consider it since I could tell he was a bit older than me.  I replied, “Well, maybe you’ll find one at your church.”

After that, we became really good friends.  A friend I really needed at the time.  I had all this crap going on inside my head.  I was quiet and such a social outcast.  I liked my Records and Registration job at the college, but I couldn’t connect with anyone there since I wasn’t very social.   I was really down.  But there was Chris, who ended up being my rock.  Caring for me and thinking of me.  Happy to see me.  He also helped me get a good job.

We went to Intervarsity Christian Fellowship together, and he talked about his past.  How he was a broken human being….just like me.  (Sorry Chris)  He wasn’t Fabio.  He was clumsy, forgetful, and awkward.  But he was a deep thinker, a great speaker, wasn’t shallow, and had many similar beliefs as I.  We both loved to learn and read.  He kept up with reading better than me, but I appreciated him relaying the information to me so I didn’t have to read sometimes.  We definitely had a great foundation to start from.  A great bonus was he could play guitar, but his singing could use a little work.  (Again sorry Chris)

I wasn’t interested in a relationship at the time because the last relationship I had turned into a nightmare.  I just really wanted to focus on school, but Chris was interested in me.  One night, we went for a walk, which we did often, and I told him I wasn’t interested in a relationship and why that was.  He was very understanding.  There was part of me that was interested since I had never been in a real serious relationship before, so I agreed to it if we took it slow.  Then he went to grab for my hand and missed.  Of course, I moved it unintentionally right at the same time.  That was our luck.  But we ended up being able to manage it.

Another time, we went for a walk in town and we passed a store window with a wedding display, and that was the first time we had talked about marriage.  At first, not necessarily with each other, but as we talked that is when it dawned on me that maybe he was the one.  And then the talk evolved into us.  Things were really going great between us.

A few months later, Chris came to me with a proposition.  He was getting his Student Loan/Grant money, and if we got married in the Fall, he would be able to buy me an engagement ring that Spring.  If not, then I would have to wait longer for a ring.  Now that I look back, was this a bit of manipulation going on?  He was really trying to tempt me with a ring so he could be married to me by Fall.  But I wasn’t much better.  I didn’t even take the time to really consider this proposition.  This was a major deal I probably should have slept on, but I thought about it for a whole minute and said yes right there and then.  By February 14th, 1997, I was engaged to be married.  I just met him in the Fall!

Honestly, looking back, I should’ve said no.  I should’ve been a little wiser and waited a couple years longer, so we could’ve gotten to know each other better.  I would have learned that Chris by nature is very impulsive.  That impulsiveness was being displayed at that very moment.  But at that time, I felt I really knew him even though I really didn’t.  Why wait?  I wanted security.  And I wanted that damn ring!

So only knowing him 1 year and 1 month, we got married.  Before we were married, I did take him down to Indiana to spend some time with my parents so they could get to know him better.  That was when he was going to ask for my dad for my hand in marriage, but my dad is very intimidating which I understand very well, and Chris chickened out.  I guess it would’ve been nice, but obviously not a deal breaker.

Sometimes I do wonder since my life wasn’t the most stable, maybe that was why I did rush into the relationship.   Maybe I was tired of being a burden on my family, and I found someone who wanted me.  I didn’t want to bug my mom anymore with my anxious thoughts.  She deserved a break.  I did tell him about my “thoughts” because I did want him to know what he was getting into before he married me.  Since I had no idea I had OCD at the time, we, being Christians, just assumed it was spiritual.  Now we know that wasn’t the case.

We were pretty fortunate for only knowing each other for a year.  We were very happy and in love.  The honeymoon feelings really did last for a long time.  We were inseparable.  We weren’t just Chris or Tammy.  We were Chris and Tammy.  And that’s how a lot of people saw us.  I wouldn’t change much at all.  Chris was supportive during my hardest of days dealing with my anxiety issues.  But the honeymoon never lasts forever.  Some hard times were approaching.  Eventually, I had to take Chris off of the pedestal I had him on.  It was too much pressure for him, and I needed to learn how to become my own person.  Also, the roles became reversed as it was my turn to be the supportive one as Chris had to go through some issues of his own.